My name is Lin Xue. I was originally a village girl who never went to school, just like many ordinary rural girls.
When they reach a certain age, they start helping with housework, doing laundry, cooking, and taking care of everything at home.
Then, when she reaches a certain age, she'll find someone to marry. She'll continue to do laundry, cook, and manage household chores at her husband's family home.
Then, that way, you can live your whole life.
That's what I used to think.
Because everyone around me is like this, I don't think I'll experience any kind of accident.
However, after I married Zhang Qingguo, I gradually discovered that life wasn't entirely like that.
It turns out there's another side to life. A side I've never seen before.
And this side of it is too beautiful. So beautiful that I hardly dare to imagine it.
In my husband's family, no mother-in-law gives me a hard time, and no one makes things difficult for me.
My father-in-law has always been kind and gentle to me. Even my sister-in-law has never argued with me.
This is something I find very difficult to understand, because such a situation has never occurred in my world before.
So at the time I was shocked, I was relieved, and I was happy, and then I slowly accepted it, adapted to it, and got used to it.
It was only then that I realized how happy a family's life could be.
Sometimes I feel a little inferior because, among the younger generation in my family, I am the only one who is illiterate and has never been to school.
The other three people had all attended school, at least with a junior high school diploma.
So I was insecure at that time.
Later, my sister-in-law gave me an idea, saying that I should ask Qingguo to teach me.
They said this would not only strengthen the bond between husband and wife, but also allow me to learn.
Actually, I was timid and a little scared at that time. I was afraid that Qingguo wouldn't agree.
But I was also tempted, because I wanted to be like them, I didn't want to be an outsider in this family, and I didn't want to be looked down upon by my sister-in-law.
So in the end, I mustered up the courage to speak up. Fortunately, Qingguo didn't laugh at me at the time, and was actually very willing to teach me these things.
Just like my sister-in-law said, this not only strengthened the bond between my husband and me, making our relationship more harmonious, but also gradually made me more confident.
Because I am no longer that illiterate country girl, I am now able to learn through writing.
Later, Zhang Qingguo was admitted to university, and I took my child with him to Ducheng. There, I discovered that it was another completely different world.
This world is more beautiful than I ever thought; it's the best world I've ever seen.
I started to feel inferior again.
It wasn't until I started doing business with my sister-in-law, and until I saw those bills being stuffed into my pocket one by one, that I gradually became much more confident.
The more money I earn, the more I can stand tall and face everyone with a smile.
Because this money is proof that I can be like my sister-in-law.
Even though I never went to school, I'm no worse than him.
Therefore, I devoted a lot of energy to doing business, and my father-in-law took care of the children at home most of the time.
Because by then, my father-in-law had already come and was living with us.
Later, when our whole family moved out, the child was left in Qingguo's care.
Because he always has more time than I do.
I have to take care of the shop, so he'll have to look after the child.
Gradually, my business grew bigger and bigger, and I earned more and more money.
I started learning, studying my sister-in-law's methods and approaches, because I wanted to become stronger step by step.
I want everyone to see that there's really nothing between me and my sister-in-law, that I can be just as good as her, and that I can have just as much money as her.
I can also buy a big house for my family, and I can live with my head held high like city dwellers.
Perhaps my self-confidence has become too inflated.
So, when my relatives from my maternal family came to visit and asked me to help them find jobs, I suddenly felt a sense of pride and a bit of smugness.
So, I agreed without hesitation.
Anyway, my shop needs employees, and I can definitely keep my word by giving them a job.
Besides, we're all relatives, so it's easier to talk to each other.
The reality isn't what I imagined. Precisely because we're all relatives, many problems arise that aren't so easily resolved.
From my perspective, they are employees of the store. Since they work for me, they should be responsible and do their jobs well.
But in their eyes, they are my relatives, so I should give way to them and save face for them.
Therefore, irreconcilable conflicts arose between us, making our relationships increasingly strained.
My parents came looking for me, saying I wasn't treating my relatives well. They also demanded that I send money home.
I figured the amount of money wasn't much for me, so I agreed.
Little did anyone know, it turned out to be a bottomless pit that could never be filled.
I am grateful to my parents for raising me, and I try my best to fulfill their requests.
For the sake of my family, I neglected many things.
All the anger I felt from them, I would vent on Zhang Qingguo and the children.
Because I feel that if I don't vent these angry emotions, I will completely break down.
But I forgot that my parents are my family, and my child and Qingguo are also my family.
They should be equally important to me.
But I hurt my parents for their sake, and I never even realized it.
It wasn't until Qingguo and I divorced that I suddenly realized that I seemed to have lost everything over the years.
I didn't gain my parents' approval more, nor did I make my children more dependent on me.
Instead, I pushed the children further away, making them hate or even despise me.
When we got divorced, our youngest daughter chose to live with her father without hesitation.
Xiao Zhe said to me, "Mom, since you like your grandparents' family so much, then this outcome is pretty good."
"Without us as a burden, you can better care for your grandparents, so don't worry about us anymore. We'll get better and better with you, Grandpa."
But it was only then that I suddenly realized the extent of the harm I had caused to the children.
What kind of painful life did I bring them?
I'm pushing my own child further and further away with my own hands.
But even if I regret it, it's too late. My children no longer want to see me or live with me.
For the rest of my life, I can only live in regret.
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