I feel guilty
It was hot and stuffy, and the cold air was clearly still blowing on her, but Jiang Yunshu just felt a sense of incomprehensible stuffiness -
No, it wasn't Jiang Yunshu. Jiang Yunshu didn't even realize that her chest was stuffy and she was almost suffocating. She just seemed to feel the stuffiness, but she didn't even seem to know it.
Jiang Yunshu knew nothing, not even what was happening to him.
Jiang Jingyuan suddenly woke up. The person who saw all this was her.
She made Jiang Yunshu's heart beat "bang bang bang" rapidly for several times, and then he suddenly woke up, calmed himself down, stepped back calmly, and just watched quietly as a bystander.
Even as a bystander, she, after that, there is another bystander...endless bystanders.
Jiang Jingyuan looked at Jiang Yunshu calmly. It could be said that he was "looking" at him, but in fact he was sensing everything about Jiang Yunshu. Sensing was not quite the right word. He was truly at the center of Jiang Yunshu and could naturally empathize with him.
Jiang Yunshu was very calm, and she even managed to chat with Jiang Yuetan next to her. She felt very good about herself, unconscious and calm, and it was definitely not her own angry words to herself.
Jiang Jingyuan, who was standing behind him, was stunned. He thought, "There's a huge difference between peace and joy and calm disgust..."
Jiang Jingyuan muttered to himself, "I often feel that the peace I experience most of the time is the peace of despair and despair... Even as Jiang Jingyuan has come this far, I can only rarely feel peace and joy."
You are obsessed with appearances again.
Jiang Jingyuan suddenly woke up again, calmed down, let the sadness in his heart dissipate, and stood firmly.
She didn't touch Jiang Yunshu, but just imagined raising her hand and patting her chest, saying to herself: "Since you don't like it, don't think about it anymore, let it go."
"It's okay, it's okay..."
Love and hate, obstruction. She wanted to go up, to become an immortal, not to sink into the mire. They could stay wherever they wanted, she would not get entangled with them anyway.
…………
Jiang Yunshu returned home and saw a huge mess as soon as he walked in. Half a month had passed, and it was the familiar mess again.
In the vast mess that was almost a ruin, Jiang Shuangyu was crying while holding her dog, Jiang Shuangli was standing beside her, coaxing her eyes, her adoptive mother had a headache on her face and couldn't stop sighing, Jiang Qili looked at this and that, and stood there silently without saying a word.
"Shuangyu!" The foster mother put down her hand that was supporting her forehead and said in a stern voice:
"It's only been half a month! Abao just chewed the sofa door in the corner and turned over the flowers, plants, and soil. We didn't think much of it then. Now look here, look at the broken glass and porcelain on the ground! The tables, chairs, and cabinets—everything has been knocked over!"
She couldn't suppress her anger, which was rare, and cursed at the dog: "You damn dog, you really deserve a beating!"
Jiang Shuangyu hugged the dog tightly and cried, "I won't do it again next time, Abao, I won't do it again next time..."
"You said the same thing half a month ago, two months ago, and half a year ago! You've been making a fuss every now and then in the past few years!" The adoptive mother was so angry that she covered her chest with her hands. After a long while, she took a deep breath, raised her eyes, and opened her mouth to say something, but she was caught off guard and saw the girl standing far in front of her.
The foster mother was stunned for a moment, then she angrily accused Jiang Shuangyu: "Look at this fat dog you raised! He's always full and has nowhere to expend his energy. Not only does he bump into the furniture, he also bumps into and bites people!"
She glanced at Jiang Yunshu and added with a look of fear, "He was running around everywhere this morning and almost bit Yunshu." Frowning, she said sternly, "Send him away! Have someone teach him a lesson and bring him back!"
Jiang Shuangyu cried even harder, "No!"
"What should we do if Yunshu gets bitten?!" the foster mother roared, almost going crazy with anger.
Jiang Shuangyu shuddered, and suddenly turned her head to glare at Jiang Yunshu standing beside her. Her mouth clenched, her eyes red with anger, and she yelled, "Why doesn't Abao bite anyone else but chases her to bite?!" She burst into tears again, "She was mean to Abao before, and now she wants to get Abao sent away!"
The foster mother was so angry that she covered her chest again and cursed, "You dead dog!" She called for someone to grab the dog from her arms and said, "Send it away, send it away. If it doesn't behave, don't bring it back!"
Jiang Shuangyu yelled and staggered backward, holding the dog and engaging in a tug-of-war with the man.
Jiang Shuangli's eyes were red, and he stood there like a piece of wood, not daring to help.
Jiang Qili was silent for a long while. She looked at Jiang Yunshu and said with an apologetic smile, "Sister Yunshu, you go up first." After a pause, she looked back at her surroundings and said in embarrassment, "Ah, see if you can walk over. There are glass, porcelain and wood splinters on the ground. Be careful."
Upon hearing the sound, the foster mother immediately looked over, almost unable to suppress her anger. She quickly said, "Yun Shu, don't go in here. Take a walk outside first. I'll call you when we're done here."
The Demon King of the Overturned Heavenly Dog. Jiang Yunshu said "Oh" and turned to walk out.
…………
The child stood by the pool, looking at the big golden, red, white and black fish in the pool, and the occasional unknown flying birds, waiting quietly.
Jiang Jingyuan looked at her, followed her to look at the fish, and in his heart, as if asking himself, as if asking her, he slowly asked: "Disgust? Resentment?"
Jiang Yunshu didn't know.
Jiang Jingyuan asked patiently, "Do you hate the Patriarch?" Jiang Yunshu instinctively said "I hate him," but after a pause, he said seriously, "No, I don't hate him."
Jiang Jingyuan was surprised for a moment, then asked again, "Adoptive parents?" "No." "Jiang Shuangyu?" "No." "Jiang Shuangli?" "No." "Jiang Qili?" "No."
Jiang Jingyuan was silent for a moment.
The surrounding scenery shifted and changed, seemingly fast and slow. In the attic of the ancestral land, Jiang Jingyuan looked on and asked, "Do you hate Jiang Anran?" Jiang Yunshu replied, "No."
"Is this annoying?"
"No."
"Hate it?"
"No."
“No.” “No.” “No.”
…
Jiang Jingyuan followed Jiang Yunshou around and around. No matter what he asked, the answer was always "no". He didn't hate it.
Jiang Jingyuan paused and asked, "Do you like it?" Jiang Yunshu still said "no" without hesitation.
Don’t like, don’t hate, indifferent.
Jiang Jingyuan was confused. "How could that be?" She felt complicated. "If I don't hate it, I don't dislike it, so why would I resist it?"
"Where do resistance, resentment, and fear come from?"
Jiang Jingyuan watched her continue walking, watching the scene unfold around her. A heavy feeling welled up in his stomach, but he didn't know why. "Fear, where does it come from?" Jiang Jingyuan muttered to himself unconsciously, "Disgust and resentment..."
A flash of inspiration came to her, and her eyes gradually widened. Her lips moved for a long time, and she endured the itchiness in her heart and continued:
“…To whom?”
As if the fog suddenly dissipated, revealing an endless void. She stood in the void, then suddenly sat down slowly. As she moved, a chair appeared out of thin air behind her.
Jiang Jingyuan sat in the chair in silence.
The essence of cultivating immortality is to be fearless and guilt-free. However, when she encountered obstacles, she inevitably felt fear, and...
"I feel guilty."
Jiang Jingyuan leaned back in his chair, his eyes blank, and he seemed to sigh in the blankness:
"I feel guilty about myself."
"I feel guilty. If I had cared for myself a little more, cared a little more about myself..."
I always only look at myself, but don’t care much about myself, so I love myself and hate myself, and everything good or bad is my fault.
I hate myself for not being good enough, I hate myself for always failing to do something, I resent myself for being so easily affected by other people and things, I fear change, and I am too strict with myself.
Strict... In fact, the moment I heard it, I would think sadly, "Yeah, I'm too strict with myself..." The next moment, I would suddenly blame myself, "How can I be strict? If I were strict, would it turn out like this?!"
In the boundless void, circles of soft light spread out from her body, and sounds echoed—
"I feel guilty."
"For years, only pain could be ignored, only unbearable pain could wake me up, so I relied on fear, guilt and hurt to protect myself."
"I have neglected myself for years, and I feel guilty about it."
Jiang Jingyuan fell backward little by little, the chair behind her disappeared in an instant, and she fell into the white.
The silent voice echoed around:
"Ignoring yet still secretly hoping to be noticed, hoping to be noticed, yet afraid of being noticed - why? Why do you need comfort and being noticed? Because of self-pity."
"Why am I tired? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being misunderstood, and I have to constantly explain and prove myself."
He said, "Why are you willing to learn to tolerate everything about others, but you can't even accept and tolerate everything about yourself?"
"I hate it and try to drive it away, but at the same time I hold it close to my heart, admiring it for myself."
He slowly asked, "Do you see this?"
Year after year, life after life, all of this... Because she only has pain that she cannot ignore, even all living beings can only use pain to wake her up.
But it was obvious that she was very afraid of pain... She was very afraid of pain, and any pain was extremely obvious to her, but paradoxically, she was quite able to endure pain.
I would always say to myself: "This little pain is nothing."
It's like eating something bitter but forcing yourself to endure it, resisting yet clinging to the sourness and pain.
The reminder of the call hits my face again and again, but I forget it again and again as soon as I turn my head.
"It turns out that fate and all living beings have been reminding me so early." Jiang Jingyuan felt complicated, suddenly enlightened, sad and desolate, and full of admiration and emotion.
If we were to talk about the foreshadowing of fate, it was from the very beginning – truly fulfilling the saying, fate is predestined, it's there from the moment you open your eyes. It's always been like this, nothing much to say.
If you don't mention the details, it's easy to neglect yourself and naturally you won't remember them clearly.
Let's just talk about the grand gesture of fate, when I traveled from Jiang Yunshu to Jiang Jingyuan when I was eleven or twelve. Looking back on it now, I'm stunned and amused. Such a thing happened, yet I forgot it so easily.
Jiang Jingjian left for about three years, until I was fifteen. Three years of grief, to the point of being at my wit's end, when I suddenly remembered what happened when I was eleven or twelve, and hurried away, wounded and bleeding—
Then I still didn't care, felt carefree, and completely forgot about these things.
The long-awaited big move of fate came again, this time with a foreshadowing, step by step, pushing her here.
Why is it "step by step"? Let her seek the way to immortality without falling into the trap of "immortality".
"A reminder..." Jiang Jingyuan couldn't help but sigh.
What is fate and reminder? If I can't go to a place or do something for two months, does it count?
She didn't care.
Well, the night before the operation, she was in excruciating pain, excruciating pain that penetrated her bones, so much pain that she couldn't even move, only unconsciously crying. The pills didn't work, and she instinctively wanted to find someone to check on her—so naturally, she couldn't go the next day. Well, the next morning, she was fine. Not even a little pain.
She thought, okay, if I can’t go here, I’ll go somewhere else!
The night before the operation, I felt pain, but not as much as last time - last time my entire right side hurt, this time it was the left side that hurt.
She hurriedly said, "No, no, no," and the pain went away immediately without waiting for the next day.
Be honest.
...Just be a little more honest.
She turned around and forgot about it.
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