14 Confession
She took a deep breath, suppressed the grievance and sadness in her heart, and said calmly, "Let him in."
Shen Zhiyuan walked in, holding a blue brocade box in his hand, his expression more serious than during the day.
After bowing, he did not ask about her recent situation as usual, but directly placed the brocade box on the table: "Your Majesty, this is the list of the noble families' sons that I compiled.
It records the conduct, talents, and family backgrounds of the eligible young men from various noble families. Your Majesty, please take a look."
Li Zhaoyi's eyes fell on the brocade box and she felt it was extremely dazzling.
She didn't touch it, but just raised her head and looked at Shen Zhiyuan, her voice trembling slightly: "Mr. Shen, what do you mean?"
"Your Majesty," Shen Zhiyuan's eyes avoided hers and fell on the list on the table.
"For the sake of the country, you really need to consider the issue of offspring. These young men from noble families are all people of good character.
If Your Majesty can choose one of them as your husband, it will not only stabilize the foundation of the country, but also win over the power of the aristocratic families, which will be of great benefit to the stability of the court."
"Stabilize the country? Win over the powers?" Li Zhaoyi repeated these words, a self-deprecating smile on her lips.
"So, in Mr. Shen's eyes, my choice of a husband is just a transaction for the sake of the country, right?"
"That's not what I meant." Shen Zhiyuan quickly explained, "I just think that Your Majesty should put the country first and put personal feelings aside for now."
"Personal feelings?" Li Zhaoyi stood up suddenly, her eyes red, and her voice became a little higher.
"Mr. Shen, tell me, what is personal feeling? In your eyes, am I just a tool who needs to bear children for the sake of the country?
Is it true that as long as I can produce an heir, it doesn't matter who I marry, or whether I'm happy or not?"
The grievances and sadness that had been accumulating in her for the entire day finally burst out at this moment.
She looked at Shen Zhiyuan, expecting him to refute, expecting him to say "no", expecting him to understand the pain in her heart.
But Shen Zhiyuan remained silent. His silence, like a blunt knife, pierced Li Zhaoyi's heart, making her almost unable to breathe.
"So that's what you really think." Li Zhaoyi's voice gradually lowered, with a hint of despair.
"I thought you were different from them. I thought you would understand me, that what I wanted wasn't an heir, not a son of a noble family, but..."
She didn't finish her words before tears started falling.
She wanted to say that what she wanted was him, the one who would get nervous when she fell off her horse, the one who would stay by her side all night when she was sick, and the one who would give her a wooden horse on her birthday.
But she couldn't say it. She was the emperor and he was his subject. She couldn't express this shameful feeling in public.
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her crying and felt a pain in his heart as if it was pierced by a needle.
He wanted to go up to her and hug her, to comfort her, to tell her "it's not like that", to tell her how much he cared about her.
But he couldn't. He was a subject and she was the monarch. There was a natural barrier between them. He couldn't put her in greater trouble because of his selfishness.
"Your Majesty," Shen Zhiyuan's voice was hoarse, "I know you feel wronged, but the country is more important. You...you must think carefully."
"That's enough!" Li Zhaoyi interrupted him, wiping the tears from her face with a look of determination in her eyes. "Go away, I don't want to hear any more of this."
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her resolute eyes, his heart aching, but he still bowed and saluted: "Your Majesty, the list is still on the table. If you think it through, you can come to me at any time."
After saying this, he turned around and slowly walked out of the Yangxin Palace. Every step he took was as painful as walking on the tip of a knife.
Watching Shen Zhiyuan's figure disappear at the palace gate, Li Zhaoyi could no longer hold back, slumped in the chair, and burst into tears.
She thought that their hearts were connected, and that if they just waited a little longer, they would be able to overcome all obstacles.
But now she realized that it had always been her wishful thinking, and he had never thought about being with her.
After crying for an unknown amount of time, Li Zhaoyi finally calmed down. She looked at the blue brocade box on the table, her heart filled with disgust, and reached out to push it to the ground.
The brocade box fell open, and the list inside was scattered on the ground. Those densely packed names were like mocking smiling faces, reminding her of her identity and her helplessness.
She walked to the window, looked at the dark night sky outside, and her heart felt cold.
She knew that from today on, things between her and Shen Zhiyuan would never be the same again.
The quietly growing feelings and the cautious expectations were all shattered by his own hands at this moment.
But she still refused to give up and didn't want to give up just like that.
She remembered the days they spent together in the disaster area, how he was injured to protect her, and how gentle he was when he accompanied her to review memorials late at night.
She didn't believe that he only had feelings for her as a king and his subject, without any other feelings.
"Chen Zhiyuan, what are you thinking about?" Li Zhaoyi asked softly to the night sky, her voice full of confusion and helplessness, "Tell me, do you have me in your heart?"
The night sky was completely silent, with no response. Only the cold wind blew in through the window, bringing a hint of chill that made her shiver.
She knew that no matter whether Shen Zhiyuan had her in his heart or not, she could no longer rely on him as before.
She is the emperor. She must learn to face all difficulties alone, must learn to let go of those inappropriate feelings, and must be a qualified monarch for the sake of the country.
But the expectation in her heart was like an inextinguishable flame, still burning quietly.
She was still waiting, waiting for an answer, an answer that would make her completely give up, or feel completely at ease.
The nights in the Yangxin Palace were always particularly long, especially after the falling out with Shen Zhiyuan.
Li Zhaoyi sat by the window, looking at the bright moonlight outside. Her heart felt as if it were filled with cold water, so cold that it hurt.
On the table was the list of young masters from aristocratic families sent by Shen Zhiyuan. Those densely packed names were like thorns, making it difficult for her to even breathe.
She didn't want to look, let alone choose. The person she wanted was right before her eyes, yet there was a chasm between the ruler and the subject, making even getting close a luxury.
"Eunuch Zhang," Li Zhaoyi suddenly said, her voice a little hoarse, "go and get the wine I have hidden in the cabinet."
Eunuch Zhang was stunned for a moment, then quickly advised, "Your Majesty, you have just recovered, so it's not appropriate for you to drink."
"Go if I tell you to." Li Zhaoyi's tone was filled with unquestionable determination. "I want to drink something today."
Eunuch Zhang had no choice but to go to the cabinet in the inner hall and take out the jar of green plum wine that Li Zhaoyi had treasured for many years.
This jar of wine was brewed by her eldest brother himself before he died. She had kept it hidden in the cabinet and was reluctant to drink it.
Now, it has become a tool for her to drown her sorrows in alcohol.
Li Zhaoyi picked up the wine jar and drank directly from the jar.
The spicy wine slid down her throat, bringing with it a hint of the sweet and sour taste of green plums, but it failed to dispel the bitterness in her heart.
She drank one cup after another, replaying in her mind the moments she had spent with Shen Zhiyuan, the moments when he bravely blocked the arrow for her,
The tenderness he showed when he accompanied her to review memorials late at night, the smile on his face when he gave her the wooden horse, and the indifference he showed when he advised her to choose a concubine today.
The wine jar gradually became empty, Li Zhaoyi's cheeks flushed, and her eyes became blurred.
She stood up and walked out of the Yangxin Palace with unsteady steps, wanting to go to the Imperial Garden to get some fresh air. However, she didn't expect to see a familiar figure as soon as she stepped onto the stone bridge of the Imperial Garden.
It’s Shen Zhiyuan.
He was wearing a plain long gown, standing at the other end of the stone bridge, holding a lantern in his hand, and seemed to be taking a walk.
Seeing Li Zhaoyi, he was visibly stunned for a moment, then hurried forward and said, "Your Majesty, it's so late, why are you here? And have you been drinking?"
Li Zhaoyi watched him approach, and with the alcohol taking effect, she could no longer hold back the grievance and longing in her heart, and suddenly threw herself into his arms, holding his waist tightly with both hands.
The voice was filled with tears: "Mr. Shen, I miss you so much... I don't want to choose a concubine, I don't want to marry anyone else, I only want you..."
Shen Zhiyuan froze, the lantern in his hand fell to the ground with a "crack", the candlelight went out, and only the moonlight fell on the two of them.
He could feel the person in his arms trembling, smell the faint scent of alcohol and green plums on her, and hear her tearful confession. His heart felt like it was hit hard by something, and he was shocked and panicked.
"Your Majesty, you...you are drunk." Shen Zhiyuan's voice was trembling. He wanted to push her away, but was afraid of hurting her, so he could only stand there stiffly.
"Please let go first. We can talk tomorrow, okay?"
"I'm not drunk!" Li Zhaoyi hugged him tightly, refusing to let go, her tears soaking his clothes.
"I'm very clear-headed! Mr. Shen, I like you. I've liked you since you shielded me from the arrows in the Imperial Garden, since you accompanied me late at night to review memorials, and since you gave me the wooden horse...
I don't want to be an emperor, I just want to be yours, and I just want to be with you, okay?"
She spoke out everything in her heart, the feelings that had been hidden for a long time, the expectations that she dared not express, finally revealed to him without reservation under the catalysis of alcohol.
Shen Zhiyuan's body was shaking even more violently. He could clearly feel the heartbeat of the person in his arms and hear her sincere confession. His heart felt like a mixture of emotions, distressed and flustered, moved and at a loss.
It's not that he doesn't know the emperor's feelings for him, he just keeps avoiding them and using his status as monarch and subject to suppress his feelings.
But now, His Majesty has said everything, and he can no longer escape.
"Your Majesty, you can't say that." Shen Zhiyuan took a deep breath and gently pushed Li Zhaoyi away, his eyes full of pain and struggle.
"I am your subject, and even more so your master. Between us, there can only be a relationship between ruler and subject, no other feelings.
You are the emperor, and you must prioritize the country and the people. You cannot let your romantic interests delay state affairs, nor leave behind a name that will be cursed for eternity."
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