Chapter 40 He mistook the person for someone else and also confessed to the wrong person.
Seeing that I remained silent, the boy looked bored.
"Forget it, a block of wood is just a block of wood, no fun at all."
The boy waved his hand and tried to get up from the ground by supporting himself on his arms, but when he exerted force, a cracking sound came from the joints of his bones.
We both heard it, especially his expression, which suddenly turned rather unpleasant, a mixture of disbelief and a hint of annoyance at realizing what had happened.
In the end, all emotions subsided and calmed down, turning into a faint hint of irony in his eyes.
I saw all of this, and even though I knew the other person wasn't the Li Xiao I knew, I still felt a little guilty.
I wish I could have stepped forward and caught him earlier.
"What's with that expression?" The boy looked at me with a half-smile. "You're not feeling sad for me, are you?"
"..."
"It's just a minor injury. When you beat me half to death back then, you didn't show the slightest remorse. Why do you look like you're about to cry now?"
The boy leaned forward slightly, avoiding his injured arm, and tilted his head to give me a teasing glance: "This doesn't seem like the Yu Qingzhou I know."
This was probably just a casual remark, but it inadvertently hit the nail on the head.
—I am not Yu Qingzhou.
He was just an uninvited guest who accidentally stumbled into someone else's memory fragments in a dream.
My thoughts became chaotic and disordered because of the boy's words.
I felt uneasy.
If... if I am recognized as not being Yu Qingzhou in a dream, will I be driven away by the other people in the dream as an evil spirit or a demon?
Thinking about it, I unconsciously took a step back halfway, almost subconsciously wanting to turn around and run away.
But the boy in front of him called out to stop him.
"Hey you, you're not just going to leave me here to fend for myself, are you?!"
I composed myself and met the former's rather resentful eyes, which were wet and pitiful like those of a cat or dog. Combined with that strange eye color, the effect was doubled.
"...Then what do you want me to do?" I asked.
This seemed to stump the boy. He stared at my face for a long time, his gaze growing increasingly intense.
I thought he would see through something, but the latter remained silent. He just stared at me like a critical judge, hesitant to deliver his final verdict because of some ulterior motive.
Just when I thought I was about to be exposed and was about to be overwhelmed by the pounding of my own heart, the boy smiled, revealing an unexpectedly cheerful expression.
He waved his dangling elbow at me and said in a somewhat cheeky manner, "Since the Taoist priest has said so, how about you condescend to carry me for a while?"
"good."
I agreed without hesitation, not caring whether it would arouse suspicion in the other party. I just wanted to end the current conversation as soon as possible and move on from this.
However, when I actually started doing it, I couldn't help but soften my movements.
I thought of Li Xiao, of the way he shielded my head with his hand before I fell down the stairs, and of his lonely yet clear heartbeat in the darkness.
I think maybe it was because I was thinking of Li Xiao that I had such a nonsensical dream.
My back felt heavy, the boy's cheek pressed against the back of my neck, his disheveled hair tangled around me, a little cool and a little itchy.
The forest wasn't very dense, but each tree was very tall. Sunlight filtered through the treetops and fell down, creating patterns of light and shadow at our feet.
Aside from the soft creaking underfoot and the rustling of fabric nearby, there were only the chirping of insects in the shadows, sometimes high and sometimes low, and the occasional long, slightly low bird call.
As I walked, perhaps because of the overly quiet atmosphere around me, I suddenly became curious about the name of the person on my back, but I didn't know where to begin asking.
"Just now you said that I don't seem like the Yu Qingzhou you know—" I carefully began, "So in your opinion, what kind of person is the real Yu Qingzhou?"
This is a somewhat dangerous topic.
I waited anxiously for the boy's answer, thinking he might be skeptical, or at least think for a moment before replying. But he answered almost without thinking: "Probably just an idiot."
Upon hearing this, I paused slightly in my steps.
Noticing my pause, the boy tightened his grip on my shoulder.
"I'm just telling you the truth since you asked me yourself. If you want to hear something nice, you can ask your fellow disciples... especially your senior sister Yingxue. She'll definitely be happy to praise you. Why bother coming here to make a fool of yourself?"
After speaking, the boy paused, then lowered his voice and muttered something in a low voice.
Just then, a bird chirped, but I didn't hear it clearly. I only vaguely heard something that was not finished.
I asked again, but the boy didn't answer. He just fiddled with something in a place where I couldn't see him. During that time, I felt a tuft of hair on the side of my head being tugged.
The sensation was fleeting and didn't hurt much, but it always felt a bit strange.
I asked the boy what happened.
He replied, "It's tangled up."
"Entangled? What's entangled?"
"hair."
The boy was brief, but I immediately recalled the scene when I first saw his face. He was hanging upside down from a tree, his dark hair falling like layers of spider webs. Then it transformed into the image of the boy peeking out of the bushes with his hair disheveled.
When he said his hair was tangled, he was probably referring to this. As for my feeling just now, it was probably because he accidentally snagged my hair while untangling his own.
—Actually, this is understandable.
After all, we're getting a little too close now.
I can immediately detect any movement he makes.
"So, what did Senior Sister Yingxue do to offend you that you have to single her out and mention it?"
—Just like before, when they specifically accused me of being a superficial person who only cared about appearance.
Upon hearing this, the boy seemed taken aback for a moment, then asked in confusion, "Why would you think that?"
After pausing for a moment, as if he had suddenly remembered something, he hurriedly denied it outright.
"Yu Qingzhou, don't misunderstand. I have absolutely no relationship with that woman, Shen Yingxue. Only you would think that kind of gentle and lovable woman, who's a big devil who just starts slashing around with her sword at the drop of a hat, is gentle and domestic."
The boy spoke with great disdain, as if he were afraid of having any connection whatsoever with the monster he described who loved to kill people.
Although I had only met my senior sister once, for some reason I just couldn't believe her. My rebuttal almost burst out from my throat, coming out through Yu Qingzhou's throat.
The urgency to protect the person important to me was so intense that for a moment I couldn't tell whether it was my own thought or the original emotion of the body's owner.
"Shut up, you know absolutely nothing!" I said, losing control of my emotions and my tone became somewhat overly harsh.
The boy clearly sensed it too, but he didn't say anything.
Her pointed chin pressed heavily against my shoulder, and as she took a deep breath, the hand around my neck tightened.
I hesitated whether to apologize. If I apologized, whose apology would it be—mine or Yu Qingzhou's? I wanted to apologize, but if Yu Qingzhou didn't mean it that way, wouldn't this be overstepping my bounds?
"...Sigh, sometimes I really suspect that woman has put some kind of spell on you."
After a while, the boy behind him spoke first, his tone indifferent and even with a hint of a smile, sounding somewhat aggrieved and helpless.
Before I could respond, he continued, "But I know she didn't. Yu Qingzhou, you did it willingly. Just thinking about it makes me extremely unhappy. What right does she have? Is it because of her high cultivation level, because you met her early, or because she's a woman..."
The boy was talking for a while, then suddenly stopped.
"Why did you stop talking?" I asked. "Because you found out it was all true, and you didn't want to humiliate yourself?"
The boy behind him fell into an even longer silence upon hearing this, and after a long while, he gritted his teeth and squeezed out a sentence: "Yu Qingzhou, you are still as infuriating as ever."
“But you just said that I’m not like the Yu Qingzhou you know anymore,” I said, with a hint of probing, wanting to know if the other person really had any doubts.
"...Well, everyone changes, but the fundamental principles remain the same."
The boy answered somewhat vaguely: "Just like you, no matter how kind and gentle you appear on the surface, putting on the appearance of an understanding senior brother, you are essentially a vengeful and petty guy. You seem warm and affectionate, but you can live without anyone."
I don't understand. Aren't all people in the world like this?
Whether life is bustling and lively or quiet and lonely, one must eventually face death alone... In this world, everyone is just a passerby except oneself.
I came to a profound understanding of this when my mother passed away—no matter how reluctant I am, I will eventually have to say goodbye. No one can stay with anyone forever.
But the boy seemed quite dismissive of it.
I said, "There are many people like you in this world, but there is only one Yu Qingzhou."
According to the boy, everything changes but the essence remains the same. If it can be summarized so simply, then what is the difference between people?
Could it be that everyone can be Yu Qingzhou, and Yu Qingzhou can be everyone?
"It's still... different."
The boy was lying on my back. He was such a tall person when he stood up, yet he didn't seem heavy or tired at all after carrying me for so long. He could even talk normally. I was quite impressed by Yu Qingzhou's stamina.
"What's different?" I asked.
"You're someone I acknowledge, so no matter what you become, I can recognize you in a crowd, and no matter where you go, I'll definitely find you." The boy's voice wasn't loud, but every word he spoke was extremely serious.
—It's like a promise, and also like a confession.
I felt Yu Qingzhou's heart in my chest pounding faster and faster.
At the same time, a strange urge welled up inside me, an almost irresistible urge to blurt out the truth. To tell the boy behind me that he was wrong, terribly wrong.
He mistook the person for someone else and confessed his feelings to the wrong person.
I am not Yu Qingzhou, even if I am temporarily residing in Yu Qingzhou's body right now. I am just a loquat—I can only be a loquat, and will only ever be a loquat.
"Why aren't you talking? Why aren't you leaving? Are you... unhappy?" the boy whispered in my ear. Perhaps because of the distance, his voice was always soft, and now it sounded cautious.
I didn't know what to say. Although I knew in my heart that it wasn't him, I would unconsciously treat the other person as Li Xiao to some extent. Therefore, the conversation could proceed relatively smoothly.
But now, this boy seems to be getting further and further away from Li Xiao.
I don't know how to respond to the boy's feelings... refusing or accepting seems wrong.
To put it bluntly, this should have been the problem that young man named Yu Qingzhou was facing, but where was he? Why did he leave this mess to me?
The chirping of insects in the forest had stopped sometime ago, and the birds had hidden themselves away, not uttering a sound.
In this eerily quiet atmosphere, the impulse I had felt earlier was rekindled, but this time I was too lazy to suppress it.
“You’re wrong,” I said. “I’m not Yu Qingzhou, you’ve mistaken me for someone else.”
The boy paused for a moment, then suddenly laughed: "It's rare to see you joke like this. Oh dear, I should have gotten up earlier today to see if the sun was still rising from the east."
"I'm not joking, I really am not—"
I started to get a little anxious because he didn't believe me.
He didn't believe that I wasn't the real Yu Qingzhou. This realization stirred an unprecedented sense of unease within me.
I almost wanted to throw him off my back so he could see clearly that I wasn't the person he thought I was.
However, it was at this moment that I discovered that my control over this body was visibly weakening.
My throat became useless again.
The feeling of carrying the weight of a person's body is gradually becoming hazy.
I think I should leave.
...I wonder if this means the return of the real Yu Qingzhou.
But if I could, I really want to meet Yu Qingzhou in person and tell him to take good care of his health and stop disappearing all the time.
Because some of the things I say are really inappropriate for an outsider like me to hear.
Not only was it awkward, but it also wasted the speaker's good intentions.
The light in the field of vision gradually dimmed, and the end of the grove was not far away. There seemed to be a person standing at the corner of the winding forest path.
That is...
"I know, because I haven't had it in a long time either..."
A dreamlike murmur drifted into my ears, softly and quietly, before vanishing into the darkness with the sound of the breeze rustling the treetops.
I strained to open my eyes and strain my ears, trying to hear the boy's last words and see the lone figure standing at the end of the path.
But in the end, it was all in vain.
As I have done countless times before, I woke up in a state of utter despair.
I found myself slumped over a long table by the window, my cheek and neck stiff from the long sleep.
I slowly sat up, listening to the intermittent sound of rain coming through the window.
His fingertips unconsciously rubbed against the brocade box placed beside him.
The box is a bit old, and there are traces of accidental bumps on the corners when it was moved.
I carefully folded the jade pendant with the knotted cord and put it in the box, but I didn't close it immediately. Instead, I stared blankly at the green jade stone surrounded by red threads and colorful tassels for a long time.
While tidying up my things, I accidentally came across this box.
I intended to just glance at it and put it back, but somehow I became so engrossed in it that I had a distant dream about the year I first came here.
It was also the year that Young Master Lan died unexpectedly.
That year, a lot of things happened one after another. First, my mother died, and then, after leaving my hometown, I finally settled down in the Flower Moon Pavilion after many twists and turns.
There, I was extremely fortunate to meet Young Master Lan, and through that, I got to know many other people, such as Li Xiao, Mr. Ajiu and his group, and Mr. Chang and Chang Li...
They were all very nice people and extremely kind to me.
Unfortunately, the good times didn't last long.
The day after the winter solstice, Young Master Lan disappeared into the icy snow and never returned.
It was just me and Li Xiao left, and we spent that coldest winter together.
I packed my things early, but I wasn't kicked out of the room as I had expected.
Later, I heard from the steward that it was Young Master Li's request that everything be kept exactly as Young Master Lan was before his death, without any changes whatsoever, which naturally included me.
Therefore, the amount of money Li Xiao paid to the building was almost the same as when Young Master Lan was alive.
The manager was naturally pleased with this, as he had previously worried that the unexpected death of Young Master Lan would cause the building to lose a top client like Li Xiao.
Later, seeing that everything was as usual, he was relieved. He was secretly overjoyed, but on the surface, he had to pretend to feel sorry for Young Master Lan.
Finally, he sighed, half-jokingly, "I never expected that this young master Li would be such a devoted lover."
He turned to me and gave me a long, earnest lecture, which was nothing more than telling me to serve Young Master Li well, to be careful in my actions, and not to do anything rash that might displease the young master.
"You should be secretly thrilled. Not everyone gets this kind of opportunity. I don't know what stroke of luck you had, first being chosen by Young Master Lan, and now you're even able to serve directly by that young master's side. It's quite something..."
As we were talking, the manager suddenly stopped, as if he had thought of something, and stared at me up and down with his shrewd little eyes.
I shrank back, lowered my head, and let the supervisor look me over, trying my best to appear obedient.
The supervisor looked around for a long time but couldn't figure out anything special, so he waved his hand to indicate that I could go back.
As I left and closed the door, I seemed to hear the manager muttering softly, probably wondering how long this deal could continue.
I know that the person in charge wants to find someone to replace Young Master Lan.
Unfortunately, Li Xiao has a notoriously bad temper and hates strangers who deliberately approach him with ulterior motives.
The Li family is such a fat sheep, and it's tempting to look at them all the time but never get to eat them. So in the past, many people have racked their brains to try and get a share of the pie from Young Master Lan, or even to take his place.
However, the outcome is usually not good. At best, they are publicly humiliated; at worst, they are even subjected to despicable means and simply disappear from the building, never to be found again.
After much deliberation, the manager finally decided to target me.
But seeing my current state, I felt I was incapable of shouldering such a great responsibility, so I couldn't help but sigh deeply.
I pretended to know nothing about it and went about my life as usual.
Reading, practicing calligraphy, sweeping... From morning till night, apart from not seeing Young Master Lan in person, life seems to have remained largely unchanged.
Not long after the New Year, before the eighth day of the lunar new year, Chang Li went on another trip with Mr. Chang.
Before leaving, he came to say goodbye to me, looking very reluctant to part.
"Brother, actually...actually, if it were possible..."
Mr. Chang coughed, interrupting what was about to come out.
I roughly guessed what Changli wanted to say to me, and I knew he meant well.
But children speak without thinking, and I couldn't make Mr. Chang feel awkward because of this, so I smiled and reached out to pat Chang Li's head, stopping him from saying anything more.
"If you wish, you can write to me anytime. Be careful on your journey and listen to your grandfather. I'll be here waiting for your safe return."
Chang Li nodded silently, and when he looked up again, his eyes were brimming with tears.
I wiped away his tears, turned around and saw Mr. Chang standing to the side, and bowed deeply in respect.
He cured my leg, but the consultation fee was charged to Li Xiao's account. I wanted to offer some of my own money as a token of my gratitude, but the old man waved his hand and refused to accept it no matter what, as if he was about to leave in a huff if things continued like this.
There was nothing I could do but bow deeply in gratitude and say that if I ever needed loquats in the future, please don't hesitate to ask.
I heard the old man sigh softly. He reached out and helped me up, repeating the words he had spoken when we first met.
He said that meeting is fate.
"It is fate, so how can there be any debt? Get up, my good child, you owe me nothing, nor do you owe anyone else."
Mr. Chang spoke with great earnestness, and his gaze towards me was filled with genuine care and pity.
At that moment, he seemed to transform back into the kind and approachable elder I had first impression of, and no longer just a skilled doctor who had once lent me a helping hand.
Looking at that old man, my heart warmed suddenly, and a faint bittersweet feeling welled up in my eyes.
I nodded earnestly, watching the grandfather and grandson ride away in the hired carriage.
Along the way, I could see Changli sticking his head out from behind the carriage and waving vigorously at me. I could see his lips moving as he said goodbye, brother.
Just as I remembered to raise my hand in response, the car turned the corner and disappeared from sight.
Seeing this, I slowly lowered my hand, which was halfway outstretched, and felt a sense of emptiness in my heart.
This feeling lingered in my heart from the moment I learned of Lan Gongzi's death to the moment I saw Mr. Chang and his grandson off.
As I slumped my shoulders and turned to walk back, I saw Mr. Ajiu standing not far away. He stood quietly to the side, looking at me at first glance like a majestic Vajra statue in a temple.
"They're gone," I said, only to realize afterward that I'd said something pointless.
Mr. Ajiu nodded and said, "I saw it."
He said it in a calm tone, without the slightest hint of mockery.
He followed me upstairs, and after we got to the room, he handed me the package he was carrying: "This is something the young master asked me to bring. The box contains fruit and snacks, as well as the rubbings of inscriptions I mentioned last time..."
As Mr. Ajiu spoke, he took out the items one by one and arranged them in order, quickly filling the table to the brim.
I patiently listened to Mr. Ajiu's long introduction, watching as he didn't even bother to drink a sip of hot tea, looking like he was in a hurry to leave.
Finally, she couldn't help but ask, "How has Young Master Li been lately?"
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